Bruce Willis has called upon the dark powers of his horrible lord and master Satan to seduce a former Playboy Playmate called Karen McDougal. A source that apparently spotted the couple “canoodling” (whatever the hell that means) on a big fancy yacht says, “They were cuddling the whole time and couldn’t keep their hands off each other. At one point, they were kissing and she slipped and fell into  one of the deep waddles in his wrinkly old neck. We were really worried! But she clawed her way back out somehow a few minutes later, gasping for air. Whew! I thought we were going to have to call the Coast Guard!” Demi Moore was busy screwing her chicken and could not be reached for comment.

Nicole Richie’s baby daddy, a porky little fauxhawked thing called “Joel Madden”, just announced live on some bad TV show that I never watch that he’s planning to finally step up and ask Nichole’s skinny knocked-up ass to marry him. These events of course come as quite a shock to the millions who were under the impression that Nichole had impregnated herself, like a snail.

Next: John Mayer has stopped waiting on the world to change and has started cheating on Mandy Moore with Cameron Diaz. The only name I really care about in that sentence is Cameron Diaz, but since she’s a housebreaking manstealing hussy apparently, that’s hardly any consolation.

Elsewhere: Eddie Murphy is threatening to sue the pants back on to he baby mamma Melanie Brown, if she doesn’t stop saying such mean things about him in the press and demanding money. Apparently she wants a $9 million home and child support. Eddie wants to go back in time and tie the bitch’s tubes.

Lastly: Anne Heche, who is a widely celebrated crazy dyke, has filed a request to get more custody time with her crazily named 5-year-old son, Homer. Heche is currently shooting the second season of the TV series “Men in Trees”, or at least thinks she is.

by Adrian Ryan

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