Welp, here we are. The end of the year. And, let’s face it, what a yeary, yeary year it was. Time to tote up the damage.

First, the jail sentences and/or arrests: Of course Keifer Sutherland still languishes in the iron hotel, and will for the next month at least (for DUI convictions, naturally), and Mischa Barton is headed to the pokey for a similar crime.

El Debarge blasted from the past to get hauled in for domestic violence, and Shemar Moore was caught doing the old glug-glug, vroom, vroom, too.

Some peeps called Ja Rule and Lil’ Wayne hip hopped themselves off to jail, charged with a little bit of gun possession, and some fool from “Labuna Beach” or whatever (tell anyone I watch it and I’ll murder you where you stand) was busted in Seattle for a little criminal trespass and assault.

Then Foxy Brown went to prison, but I think she was totally railroaded (don’t get me started), and some country “star” (and I do use the term loosely) got popped, as they say, for popping her own mother in the face with her little country fists (the ungrateful biznitch). Then, let’s see…

Vivica Fox was caught drinking and driving too (it was all the vogue this year), and something called a “Joe Francis” went wild and exploited a minor or two.

Lily Allen was arrested for giving a good Kung Fu “hiiiiiii-YA!” to a nosey paparazzi, but who really can blame her? I ask you.

And Kidd Rock was booked for a bar fight.

Shia Laboeuf was prosecuted for lingering around a bargain discount store (for Christ’s sakes) and Rebecca De Mornay? Well, she’s fond of cocktailing and road trips as well.

Hugh Grant was arrested again, but this time no hookers in sight: he was busted for busting some guys lip, and David Faustino, whom you don’t remember from “Married…With Children” was brought in for drug possession and disorderly conduct.

And let’s not even mention Britney Spears. Really. Let’s not.

The Busta Rhymes got a DUI. Other DUIs include one or more of The Black Eyed Peas. (It’s so hard to keep track.) Mike Tyson was charged with felony drug possession, but that’s just karma.

Then we have Daniel Baldwin, Amy Winehouse, and, of course, Lindsay Lohan.

I could go on, but my fingers are cramping.

Then, some nice celebrity divorces: Marilyn Manson stopped worshiping the dark lord long enough to kick Ditta VonTesse’s Betty-Paged butt to the curb (their divorce was official like ten minutes ago), Sean Penn’s pump just ditched his camera-man-ass-kicking fanny, and Scary Spice scared her husband far, far away… and, dammit, he’s taking the kids with him.

Christina Applegate finds herself suddenly unhitched, as does Wayne Brady, Kate Hudson (I wrapped Christmas presents with her one year long story), and something called a “Kevin Federline”.

Liza Minnelli kicked her “man” to the curb because he was pretty than she, and Hulk Hogan’s wife has had it, just had it!, thank you very much, and of course, super Mormon Marie Osmond stopped dancing with the stars long enough to lose her man, too. (Jesus is furious.)

Whitney ditched Bobby, which was the best move she’s made since 1989 for sure, and if getting arrested for drugs wasn’t enough, Michael Fausto (that Mariied with Children” dork) found himself espousally challenged as well.

Valeri Bertinelli left Eddie Van Halen after 2 million years,…and this is simply too depressing, let’s just stop. (Does love ever last? No.)

Maybe next year celebrity in general will learn how to stay together, manage their anger, and call a god damn cab once in a blue moon. Here’s to hoping.

Adrian Ryan

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