Carol Channing. Well. The last time we heard from her, which I bet you thought was the last time we’d ever hear from her without a Ouija Board (me too!), she had risen from the grave to reclaim her stolen dress and to drag the thief screaming to hell. (Believe it.) But, lo! We are hearing from her again somehow (a miracle of modern geriatric medicine!), but her tune is pretty much the same: She’s been robbed…and she’s completely incoherent about it!  

Now, before we proceed, and for the benefit of those few sad souls who are younger than 85 and are not screaming homosexuals, Carol Channing was whatcha call a legend. Old Hollywood. A Star. Today she is a raisin, a puff of dust in a white wig, rather frightening. Still, I’m not saying she’s not fabulous–she is—but that’s just my inner screaming homosexual coming out. Again. Guurl. Whatever. The point is, she’s a famous old broad (famous enough to even have her own Wikipedia entry, I bet! I’m too lazy to look!), and, baby…she attracts crime like a Guatemalan hooker. Last time we checked in, her bazillion-dollar “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” dress had been stolen, and then mysteriously returned. This time, she was held up in a bank, at gun point, in a crowd, just like a scene from a corny old Hollywood movie, which leads me to suspect that the whole thing was a big stupid publicity stunt, and something Tom Cruise would do before a movie release. but what the hell does Carol Channing need publicity for? Her wake? She’s practically transparent.  

Well. If New Kidds on the Block can make a comeback, I guess there’s hope for anyone. Even corpses. Which brings us back to Carol. The story:  

Carol says, “Well, along with a lot of other people, I’ve been robbed, we just bought a new house. It’s really the first house I’ve ever had and not a hotel. This is our house, and they robbed us.”  

Well. That was very confusing, wasn’t it. But considering that humanity didn’t even evolve the gift of language until she was a teenager, she holds her own, I guess.  

Lastly: You know? I just bet Britney Spears did something today. Just, you know….something. Don’t you wonder what it was?  

I don’t.

Adrian Ryan

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