I’m going to have to break my promise again. I beg your pardon. I am an Indian promiser. That’s what I am.

But it can’t be helped, it won’t be helped, I JUST have to say SOMETHING about BRITNEY freaking SPEARS!

I can’t not pay attention. And neither can you, dammit.  Stop looking at me like that.

Well, the whole affair to date has gotten so God-darned awful, I just HAVE to say something. Lucky you. And what I haveto say: It’s all like an unlikely bad soap opera. That’s what it is. It’s hard to put into words just exactly how wretched the situation is.

But allow me an attempt:  It’s Anna Nicole Smith awful. Yes, THAT awful. Okay, the story so far, as I understand it (and I understand it good and plenty), Britney’s, as it were, “mother and father”, have filed for a restraining order against her former manager, a creepy man called Sam Lutfi.

Now, I, like you, had absolutely no clue what a Sam Lutfi was, like, ten minutes ago, but I know now, dammit, and what I know is that Sam Lutfi is is a freakin’ Blackbeard in a $5,000 watch that Britney bought him. I’m telling you.   

According the restraining order, which was obtained by flying monkeys in powdered wigs (or maybe I just dreamed that part–I drink, you see), this Sam Lufti Monster was secretly drugging Britney in an insidious plot to maintain control of her mind and her forty million dollar empire.

Let that sink in for a moment.

Apparently, he dosed her with a brain-twirling concoction of prescription insomnia medication and anti-psychotic pills—he even crushed them up and slipped them into her food on the sly, like some nightmarish Disneyland witch.  

The poison effect of such a terrible potion.. given by such a terrible man for such terrible reasons…were naturally devastating on poor Britney’s fragile mind, and the reports I’m getting now claim that her doctors are fixin’ to put her in some sort of induced coma to try to heal her damaged brain!   Terrible. I’m speechless, I tell you. Do you hear me? Speechless.   And Sam? Well, damning evidence is popping up aplenty to support the terrible claims, and the restraining order was granted. On report clams that “Sam had told Britney that she was an unfit mother, a piece of trash and a whore, that she cares more about Adnan, her current boyfriend, than she cares about her kids, and that she does not deserve the kids then he said if she died, he’d piss on her grave.” Charming.  Anyhoozits, them’s the details to date. And I don’t want to talk about it anymore.  

In other news: The toxicology reports on Health Ledger say that he died of too many prescription drugs, just like my grandma did. I didn’t know Heath and my grandma had so much in common. I wonder if they’ve met up there yet.

Well. That’s a maudlin thought.

Adrian Ryan

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