There’s been a lot of death around here lately. Evel Knievel. Whitney Houston almost. Amy Winehouse practically. Tara Reid’s career. My eyes after seeing Jennifer Love Hewitt’s ass. Kiefer Sutherland’s freedom. And so forth. And I’m really really sorry about all that. But it’s that time of year, you see, nothing to be done about it. The “holidays”. They are all about death. And you know it.

In fact, the only thing that seems to contain any vital life these days is Britney Spears’ uterus, which seems to be as fertile as the Nile River Valley, but more crocodiles. Indeed, wagging tongues, curse them, are claiming that the crazy bitchtart is, against all logic and wisdom and probably the order of the court, PREGNANT again somehow, and lord help us all.

Please, God. No.

“I’ve seen her during the last two pregnancies and she has the same look now,” a “pal who sees Britney every week” told the In Touch magazine, which I’ve never read nor heard of probably. “She’s heavier, but that’s not it. It’s the sparkle in her eye. She always gets that sparkle when she’s pregnant, like she’s relaxed and happy.”

Relaxed, sparkly, and spewing peanut butter like a geyser, apparently.

“The friends’ concern may help to explain why Spears seems not to have lost any of her pregnancy weight and why she has been getting sick lately. In one widely circulated photo, Spears was shown throwing up peanut butter and reports said she had been drinking, but according to ITW, Spears has been skipping the booze.”

Well, that’s a relief. If she really was pregnant, the LAST thing she’d do is skip the booze. Maybe she’s just fat and suffering from some nausea-and-no-booze-inducing illness. Like Hepatitis, or syphilis, or herpes of the esophagus. Yes. Herpes of the esophagus. That’s far more likely. 

Adrian Ryan

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