We now have the transcripts. The so-called official “report”. The police one. About the terrible night of Britney Spears’ psychological meltdown and the ensuing drama. And said report makes one thing blindingly clear: Britney Spears is batshittier than the batshit mayor of Batshit Town riding on the batshittiest float in the National Batshit Day parade. Some highlights, in no particular order (Warning: The “F” word abounds…it’s not my fault):

Highlight one: When the cops showed up (FINALLY!), Britney had locked herself in the master bathroom of her house with Jayden James, and she appeared to be fully dressed.

Highlight two: When she finally came out of the house, however, she was naked as an earthworm except for a pair of skanky panties, with her boobies and bellyflab bouncing like a Jello ball.

Highlight three: When brave authorities attempted to cover up her wretched nakedness with a sweater, she screamed, “Don’t cover me up. I’m fucking hot!” at them. Then she started laughing. Then she burst into tears.

Highlight three-point-five: Britney also screamed lots of things at the cops like, “What the fuck are you doing in my house? I know who you are.”

Highlight four: And then, “I don’t need your fucking help!”

Highlight five: And then, “You will do as I say.” Then she burst into tears again.
Frankly, anyone else on earth would have been TASER’d to the ground and kicked until they stopped moving, but, hey. Britney Spears.

Well. There’s always tomorrow.

In other no-good hoochies of similar genre: Nicole Ritchie finally popped one out. A baby, that is. I never. Want to think of it. Again.

That is all.

Adrian Ryan

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