She chain smokes in front of the children, then tells them that cigarettes are “candy”. She feeds them bags of sugar, then tries to bribe her dentist to whiten their rotten teeth. She drops them, knocks them over, and drives with them unbuckled on her lap. She’s a fat crazy cooter-flashing whore who voted for Bush. Etc. And now, K-Fed or whatthefuckever (just call him “Sperm Donor”) is fiending to take custody, and a source says, he’s the only hope those little brats have!

Whoa. Now that was just freaking TRAGIC.

“She smokes like a chimney in front of them,” another mysterious source repots. “She’ll actually turn to Sean Preston and say, ‘Baby, where are Mama’s lollipops?’ Sean runs, gets her cigarettes and brings them back to her.”

Mmm. Delicious lollipops!

And yet even another so-called insider who should mind their own damn business reports that Britney has reverted so much to her true Hillbilly, Jerry Springer-watching, Bush-voting origins, that she even uses her two unwary toddlers as weapons in the family feud!

“When Sean Preston cries for his grandma, Britney tells the him, get over it, crybaby, there’s no way in hell your ever gonna see that “bad lady” again!”

In response to all the crazy, Kevin Fed…excuse me, Sperm Donor…is rumored to be gathering his forces for a big legal battle, and even the cover of the new US Weekly (which I never read, fuck you) worries, “Kevin battles for Sean and Jayden as Britney grows more dangerous!” If he could be reached for comment, I’m sure he’d probably say something like, “I feel that Britney’s widely celebrated mental, physical and emotional deterioration provides an unfit environment for my darling children.” But what he would really mean, of course, is this, “Fuck that bitch—I’m gonna take her kids away. Where are my cigarettes?”

Updates as the terrible drama unfolds. And it WILL.

by Adrian Ryan

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