Reese Witherspoon is marrying Jake Gyllenhaal. You should not be surprised to know that I’ll be slicing my wrists open just as soon as I can find a sharp object….and the CORRECT way, thank you very much. (Don’t cross the street, travel the rooooad…)

Don’t try this at home. Unless I hate you. But I don’t hate anyone. So don’t.

Elsewhere, in news likely to spawn ever more suicidal tendencies: The ghost whisperer’s big fat ass is back, and it has a message from the bowels (forgive me) of hell, and that message is this: Screw you, People!

Indeed, the flabby fanny that crawled from the sea several weeks ago and just won’t die has made another spooky appearance, this time haunting the cover of something called a “People Magazine” (never heard of it). The ghost whisperer herself (Jennifer Love Partyofive or something) is just as abashed as a bashed in ashcan’s bashed in ass, and said:

“I was on the cover of People in a bad bikini shot. I worked 20 years in this business and that’s how I got the cover of People…It made me feel a little embarrassed to be honest. It made me a little sad. It hurt my feelings.”

It hurt my eyes. Permanently maybe.

In even more suici…er….uh…never mind: The so-called “parents” of Britney Spears and even her sluttish little liver—I mean little “sister”— have allegedly been trying and trying for months to, and I quote (for who can do it better than I?), “get Britney into a mental hospital”. The so-called “father”, in fact (a talking mule called “Earl” or something), claims that he has suspected all along that Britney’s widely reported whack-ack-acky might be more the product of going the kookoo than hoovering the hoo-hoo. Whatever that means.

And you have no idea.

Or do you?

Anyway, the words “severe bi-polar disorder” might have been kicked around a little bit and, “involuntary commitment” maybe too, and when did this joke stop being funny?

All too long ago, my fine friend.

But before I cut my wrists (the right way, thank you) I’m going to toodle on down to old St. Bart’s or whatever and light a candle for poor Britney frippin flipped-out Spears. O Lord, she is needier than I. Me. Whatever.

Madonna told her and told her. She never should have taken that little red string Kabala bracelet off.

Never.

Adrian Ryan

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