The sourciest sources that were available to source on such short notice report that Britney Spear’s has finally lost her damn kids, and she doesn’t know WHERE the heck she put them!

Indeed, thousands of shocked eyewitnesses report seeing the former Mrs. Federline—who is an awesome, dedicated artists, consummate performer, and all around stand-up gal—as she sped to-and-fro, to-and-fro, looking everywhere for the place she possibly misplaced her two apparently missing boys. (”At least we think they are boys,” it has been remarked by millions of anonymous experts, “It’s impossible to say anything for sure—that crazy bitch is on crack.”)

“Well, first she checked various drive-thrus,” reports one of them aforementioned eyewitnesses. “Then she dove headfirst into the ball pit at the Carl’s Jr. in Whittier. Then she checked the liquor store, then the other liquor store, her dealer’s house, the other liquor store, in the microwave, in the tangles of her weave–all of the places that she usually finds them when she loses track of them.”

In all of her frantic rushings, Miss Spears seemed totally unaware that the children had been forcibly ripped from her arms by agents of the state just earlier.

“Yeah, it’s kind of cute,” said a representative of the LA Police Dept. “Watching her run around like this. We’re just gonna let her keep it up until she tires herself out. Man, she’s gonna sleep tonight!”

In similarly alarming but somehow not quite as appalling news: Paula Abdul, who is four hundred years old and fucking crazy, has shocked the hell out of the Universal Laws of Physics, Biology and Nature Itself by announcing her intention to somehow BREED. “That’s the next step in my life. Definitely within the next two years. I thought by now I’d have three grown children.” Archeologists and celebritologists agree that the odds of her leathery, tomb-like womb somehow managed to cough up some kind of living creature are equal to those of, say, the corpse of Ronald Reagan giving butt-birth to an ass-mummy.

by Adrian Ryan

Share It!