Furthering his long-standing and desperate campaign to prove that he isn’t a ginormous homo, sources report that Justin Timberlake has at just this very moment forced some sort of faggoty-ass “promise ring” thing on his so-called “girlfriend”, so-called “Jessica Biel” or whatever. (She’s an actress or something. Nobody remembers what she’s been in. All we really know is for sure is that she isn’t and should never be confused with that chick from Flashdance, Jennifer Beals, and that’s just a shame, because Flashdance rocks my nards. Hard.

“Justin says Jess is his dream girl. He wants to give her a symbol of his affection and love,” a source that can’t be trusted reports.

But sad new for Princess Fancypants! The so-called “girlfriend” barely even wants the faggoty-ass piece of crap! In fact, she doesn’t want any kind of official-er commitment with him at all! Observe:

“You’re single for 20 or 30 years, and you’re married for like 70. It doesn’t seem like a good ratio, does it? Screw that faggot!”, she said or something like that. Mostly. (Ohhh! Be still my fluttering heart! It’s LOVE!)

Instead of effectively confirming the alleged heterosexuality of Mr. Timberlake, these events merely serve to enforce expert’s growing suspicions that Jessica Biel is secretly a man.

Updates as events unfold. Or not. You know. Whatever.

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