World! Take heed! Lock up your sexually ambiguous sons and/or gender-confused daughters or whatever! Boy George has officially gone…INSANE!

I know we’ve all had our suspicions, and goodness knows it’s been a long time coming, but it’s finally happened. He’s snapped like an anorexic’s pelvis—gone as mad as a bat’s shitty hatter. And so forth. The many proofs:

Proof the first: Everything he’s done since 1984.

Proof the second: he kidnapped some filthy Norwegian manwhore and chained him to a wall. Then he proceeded to do rather sketchy things to him. (I mean, sketchy things OTHER than not holding him against his express will.) He has been charged with “false imprisonment”. Here’s the so-called “story”:

The former Culture Club singer, who is 47 now and looks like a bald Elizabeth Taylor, and some other random guy picked up a Norwegian manwhore sometime last April. They brought him back to the Boy’s flat for a naughty little “photo session”. Imagine the manwhore’s shock when–oh my GOSH!— he suddenly found that he was chained to the Boy’s big gay wall. Then imagine his even shockeder-ness when Boy fucking Bald Elizabeth Taylor fucking George emerged (probably nude—imagination balks) and accosted the poor manwhore with a whip, a big floppy “dildo” and a rather bad attitude. (What shock indeed!) The scene waxes wildly out of control at this point, but according to the escort, it went a little something like this: “Now you’ll get what you deserve,” says George in that faggy little accent of his. “Oh, NO, please, let me go you icky bald Elizabeth Taylor man! Let me go, oh please let me go!” cries the manwhore. But George, intrepid, proceeded to give the escort EXACTLY what he deserved, against the escort’s increasing protestations. Finally, the intrepid manwhore, in a fit of pique, disgust and adrenaline, wrenched his chains from the very wall itself and rushed screaming from the property in a flurry of drama and general gayness.

George has been ordered to stand trial Thursday of next week. The manwhore no doubt needs therapy. The other guy is unimportant. And was probably George Michael.

All of their mothers must be SO proud.

Elsewhere: Lindsay Lohan, who is a tramp, began doing her community service, as ordered by the LA District Court for myriad well-reported peccadilloes involving drinking, driving, and being a big skank in general. Since picking up garbage was too redundant a punishment to even be considered for her, she’ll be doing something vague and unspecified at an American Red Cross blood donation facility, probably giving noble blood donors the blow jobs and cookies they so richly deserve. The big heroes.  

Adrian Ryan

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