Baffled and alarmed authorities in Seattle report that the woman who accused David Copperfield of sexual assault has…DISSAPEARED!

Just kidding.

Then, somewhere else: I have never, ever, watched even a single second of some wretched show called “The Bachelor”, although I’ve gathered through various sources that the “winners” of this so-called show are apparently supposed to get married as part of the deal, but, ohhh Loretta, that’s not going to happen this time, because the most recent female “winner” (marriage is a prize? In what bizarro universe?) just beat the holy living crap out of the boy “winner”, which makes me laugh so hard and gives me such complete and unknowable happiness that I want to thank this show “The Bachelor” with all my little black heart, just the same.

Thank you, “The Bachelor”. Thank you very much.

And yes, that was a 110 word sentence. “Proustian” I like to call them. Thank you for noticing.

Also: Something new and horrible has been alleged about Marilyn Manson, and no, it’s not what your thinking. Wait, yes it is. And you were thinking that it’s something about him spending millions of dollars of other people’s money on attractive and useful thing—a few of his favorite things, in fact—such as masks made out of human skin and the skeletons of cripples. And that’s exactly what you were thinking, yes? Yes? Wow. You really fucking freak me out sometimes.

Then: There is this guy, see, called Joe Francis or whatever, and he made all his money videotaping drunk girls of dubious legality while he encouraged them to make out and flash their tits and junk like that. “Girls Gone Wild”, it’s called. (Or so the old timer’s tell it, when the moon waxes full and the wind rides high…I’d never know from personal experience, of course.) And Joe Francis went to prison because some of those gone wild girls had not yet reached the age of legal consent, and now he’s whining and crying that he was abused by the mean old prison guards there, who apparently threatened to tie him to a chair naked, and not only is that indisputable proof of the mysterious workings of karma, I wanna know WHY CAN’T I BUY A VIDEO TAPE of JOW FRANCIS STRAPPED NAKED TO A CHAIR IN PRISON? I’ve got credit cards, compulsive hypersexuality disorder, no common sense and an enormous Christmas list. godammit. I ask you.

by: Adrian Ryan

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