“AP– Since leaving the trucker hat behind and marrying Demi Moore Ashton Kutcher’s fashion sense has taken a turn for the better. Kutcher, the face of 2003’s trucker hat fad, dispenses sartorial tips for couples in an essay in the September issue of Harper’s Bazaar magazine, now on newsstands. ‘Guys don’t like to be told they look nice, pretty or cute or that they clean up well,’ the 29-year-old actor says. ‘So when your guy finally tries on something that you like, tell him that he looks like James Bond or Tony Montana,’ he writes. ‘Feel free to be even more vague than that: “Wow, that suit makes you look like that hot football player!’“

Wow, thank you for those very, very wonderful pointers. Now, for those of us who aren’t queer and married to fag-hags, can you give us tips that don’t involve your extensive knowledge on how to flatter men? Seriously, can you at least pretend that women aren’t retarded and have seen, or at least know, that football players wear uniforms, and not suits? If you’re going to write an “essay,” don’t.

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