Sources are saying (because that’s what sources do-they say things) that Angelina and Brad are, dear Mother of Mercy, pregnant. As in, with child. Well, more Angelina, technically speaking, than Brad, but you know what I mean. Pregnant! They’ve got half of a Malaysian orphanage on back order, and now she’s pumping out more of her own biological brood? Is this woman a Mormon or what?  Honestly. I demand an answer.  

Does she have ANY idea of what the CARBON EMESSIONS are? Does she know how much of them she is responsible for by procreating like this? From burned fossil fuels? Electricity? Entropy? Does she understand what she is unleashing upon this ever-warming world by bringing (and/or nurturing and/or supporting) even more digestive tracts into it? Does she know how much jet fuel she alone expends every time she goes to get the mail? Let alone the rest of her high-rolling family; a family that she just keeps making bigger and richer and bigger and richer and bigger and richer? If she had been a responsible human being, and hadn’t adopted those poor children (God love ‘em) and dragged them into her rich American lifestyle, do you know what they’d be doing right now? Not shopping and driving around in SUVs with the DVD players in their Nikes and their GAP clothes that their blind and probably polio infected relatives back home slaved to make for 20 cents a week, that’s for sure. They’d be sitting in ditches, eating the flies in their boogers, trying to outrun Sally Struthers.  

I think somewhere here I lost my point.  

Then: Britney Spears got bored of acting crazy, so she bought a car instead. A Mercedes of some sort. She’s another one, with the carbon emissions. The crazy, crazy carbon emissions!  

Suddenly, somewhere else: Experts and sources and sourcesperts and exerces all agree: Lindsay Lohan is a drinky-drinky freak again! (God love her.) Reports are flooding in from every watery corner of the ever-watery tabloid press, and they all insist that Lindsay is swilling hooch from the bottle like a flapper on the lam, and wailing at people like a banshee for no good reason other than she’s Lindsay Lohan, godammit, quit gawking and get out of my way!  

None of us saw this coming. None of us.

Adrian Ryan

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