In news that will shock you, knock you right on your ass, and potentially fuck-up your entire view of the universe, your roll in it, and your faith in God, Amy Winehouse has been arrested in NORWAY (for the love of ursegurvvurti-gurven haagen) for (are you sitting down? Are you well braced?), well….for MARIJUANA! There is just no other way to say it.

I KNOW!

The pot, the ganj, the kine’ bud, the chronic, the sticky, Robin Williams fuel, frat boy lubricant, the only reason to go to Jamaica, Mary Jean or whatever, the five-fingered bandit, the Canadian cash crop, legitimate medicine….need I go on?

Sources so sourcey I forgot to laugh (have I used that one? Am I waxing repetitive? Repetitive?) report that the walking anachronism called Weinhouse was arrested in that frigid northern land of fish and sweaters for possessing almost a full skunky ounce that most unglamorous of drugs, after huffing Hi-Liters ™. The sources say:

The British singer, 24 — who is currently on tour in the Scandinavian country — was arrested along with her husband Blake Fielder-Civil at the Hotel Norge on Thursday night, after local authorities were tipped off by staff about the smell of marijuana coming from their suite.

And so. When asked whether or not she’s learned anything from this experience, Miss Weinhouse remarked, “Fuck yeah! Never go to fucking Norway!”, and then she took a hit off the crack pipe.

Heroin, ever a jealous lover, is reportedly furious.

In other things: Mysterious powers report that world famous Satanist David Copperfield is under investigation by the FBI on charges of forcing his magic wand upon some unwilling and equally mysterious girl. When they finally answered the god damn phone, Copperfield’s lawyers said, “We aren’t concerned at this point. The man made the Statue of Liberty vanish; I’m sure some lippy slut ain’t gonna be a problem.” Experts remain shocked that any lawyer would say “ain’t no.” But aren’t we all?

Of course we are.

Adrian Ryan

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