Well the good thing about Heath Ledger’s death is that we got to ignore Amy Winehouse for awhile, which is quite a fuckucking silver lining, if you ask me. But that doesn’t mean she didn’t do anything felonious. Or scandalous. Or crack-ulous. Quite the contrary… She did crack aplenty, on camera, in her wretchedly untidy London “flat” (which is what those tea-drinking freaks call an apartment and everyone else calls Amy Winehouse’s chest, har-har…), as she babbles like a charming British brook (on crack) and advises her pet cat to pack up and evacuate for it’s own good. The video had landed her, as they say, “under investigation.” As a wise (and surprisingly lucid for, you know, crack addict) preemptive strike, Amy threw herself into a rehab as soon as the video was leaked, which was about 6 years too late. But still. At least she’s changed hair back to black (har-har again), so at least she isn’t quite so anorexic-rat looking. That’s a plus.

It is. Admit it.

And Heath Ledger is the dead one. Is there no God? No justice? Honestly. It’s unfathomable.

Am I obsessing? I’m obsessing. Sorry.

Then suddenly, with no warning, like a terrible storm: Brad Pitt looks more like a saggy bulldog by the minute. Let’s face it; there’s no use ignoring the fact anymore. And believe me, this terrible fact brings me no joy, mind you, and I’m not gloating. It kind of makes me want to kill myself, the once hot-hot-hotness that was Brad Pitt looking so saggy and old and potatoe-like. I mean, Jesus Christ. But that doesn’t seem to keep Angelina Jolie from hanging around him all the time, God bless her, and it won’t prevent both of them, together, from adopting a so-called “hurricane Katrina” orphan. Which I hear are hotter than Teacup Poodles. A ‘report”:

“Star magazine claims the couple has fallen in love with a girl whose parents were killed in the Katrina devastation, and they want to add her to their expanding family.”

Although, please to note, I have never read “Star Magazine.” Ever. Thank you for understanding.

Where can I get a Kartina orphan? I never get anything I want.

Adrian Ryan

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