Vomiting blood is rarely a good sign under even the best of circumstances. Shitting live frogs might be a worse one—-or waking up three days later on a dirty mattress in the woods, with all of your organs trailing our of your ass as a remarkably hung midget wearing a leather mask and a sandpaper condom beats a hasty retreat. Maybe. But as far as indicators of general good health go, vomiting blood (a singular horror usually reserved for imploding astronauts and the unfortunate victims of Ebola) is probably right up there with being physically on fire.

“As indicators of general good health go, vomiting blood is right up there with being physically on fire,’ said an anonymous and TOTALLY real MD that somebody interviewed maybe, and it proves my point nicely, I think. “We only wonder what nightmarish sorts of stuff must be happening on the OTHER end.”

Oh. Do we. While experts aren’t so sure about that (ewwww!), they do agree that vomiting blood—and buckets and buckets of it-is exactly what poor Amy Winehouse was doing all over the various fixtures and/or amenities of her once super-swanky (but now super-stanky) $1,400-per-night suite in a fancy Caribbean hotel. Apparently, upon witnessing the blood-pukey horror that is the Winehouse, the understandably alarmed housemaids begged to call the 9-11 (or its Caribbean equivalent) , but Miss Winehouse wasn’t having any of that nonsense, thank you very much , and now quit fucking looking at me you Goddamm wetback bitches…I SAID QUIT FUCKING LOOKING AT ME ….Uhhh… uuuhhhh… uuhhhhhh… bbbbbrrrruuuaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwpppppppp! Unquote.

According to a source:

“Staff at the Jade Mountain resort in St. Lucia were horrified when they were sent to Winehouse’s suite to clean up the mess. “There was blood and vomit all over the bathroom, it was just terrible,” said one worker.

When asked for his prognosis of Amy’s latest crisis, the Angel of Death said, “Amy Winehouse? Yeah, just let me finish this cigarette, I’ll get to it.”

by Adrian Ryan

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