Britney. Well, we haven’t heard from her in about 16 seconds, so guess what she did to remedy the lapse? Can you guess? Guess, I say!

If you answered, “Well, she went even crazier, if that’s possible?”, YOU ARE CORRECT, SIR! Or MADAM! Or WHATEVER!

Good for you. But that’s only half the story. She also terrified little children. How? Like this:

Britney Spears caused watcha call a “shitstorm” of terror and kiddy confusion at a Los Angeles school when she allegedly turned up, twitchy, dressed like a whore, and confused as Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah, and insisted she was there to “pick up her kids.” Which would have been illegal, if her kids actually went to that school, which they didn’t. According to a source: “She was just rambling and confused. She said, ‘I’m here to pick up my kids.’ But then she said, ‘They aren’t my kids; I have a new attorney, and I came to pick them up for her.’ All I could think was, ‘Who in their right mind would let her pick up their kids?’” The witness goes on to add that the singer’s chain smoking, skimpy outfit and erratic behavior scared the children, insisting “some of the kids were freaked out.”

The drama ended when she was gently but firmly escorted, as the say, from the premises, whence she drove off, childless and alone, into the crazy, crazy sunset to chase other crazy adventures. The end.

Crazy!

Then, Owen Wilson has done many shocking and terrible things in his life. Cutting his wrists. Overdosing on pills. “You, Me and Dupree.” Not loving me like I deserve to be loved. But of all of the shocking things Owen Wilson has done in his life (which includes bathing in a ditch with Woody Harrelson), buying a big honkin’ bong (whatever that is) earlier this week is not numbered among them. But buy a “bong” (whatever that is) is what he did, or so they say, and he did it in a shop somewhere in Venice, Calif. (wherever that is), or so they also say, and if it is true, which it is, it explains at least “You, Me and Dupree” and the naked with Woody Harrelson in a muddy ditch thing. But who’s complaining? Whatever it takes, man. Whatever. It. Takes.

Then: Madonna and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have come forward with their bold new plans to adopt each other. “It was only a matter of time before it finally happened,” Madonna said from behind the giant Jackie O sunglasses she’s wearing these days to hide all of the indiscriminate eye-jobbing that has her face looking like rotten carp. “It was inevitable,” agreed Angelina. “We all new deep down that someday it would come to this.” Brad explained how it would work, “I’m adopting Madonna, Madonna is adopting Angie, and Angie is adopting me. Then all of our kids are going to adopt us, then they will adopt each other. We’re confident that this is the right decision for everybody. Adopt, adopt, adopt.”

Lastly: I’m off to dig up Owen Wilson, a nice eighth of ganja (whatever that is) and a bucket of mud. Hold my calls.

Hold ‘em between your knees, like a ham sandwich.

Adrian Ryan

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