DailyContempt: Well, what a surprise, we really weren’t expecting to do this impromptu interview with you. After all, we are still standing in front stalls… in a Burger King bathroom… in Tarzana.

Kevin Federline: Yeah, it’s good to be here too.

DC: Alright… well… tell us about your current custody battle with your ex-wife, Britney Spears. It was reported today that you are looking for full custody. Can you tell us a little more?

K-Fed: Yo, word? Custody for what, dog? I ain’t know shit about no custody.

DC: Custody for your kids.

K-Fed: Damn, what? That bitch Shar know I don’t want them kids…shi..

DC:  No, you’re other kids. Your and Britney Spears’ kids.

K-Fed: Oh, right, right. Yeah, I don’t what’s up. But I want my kid, man. And Britney ain’t being no good mom, flashing her stank all over the damn place.

DC: You said your kid. You do know that you have more than one, right?

K-Fed: What? Yeah! Of course. Don’t be putting words in my mouth, homie. I’ll straight up shank you.

(Mimes what it would look like to “shank” somebody.)

Boosh! Boosh! Shplank! You’d be done, kid.

DC: Alright… well…

(Interrupted)

K-Fed: That’s how we do in the hood. It’s a jungle out there. You either be the cobra or the lion.

DC: Which are you?

K-Fed: I’m the craziest motherfucking polar bear. Takin’ heads, one after another. Polar bears eat penguins. Fucking penguins! Saw that shit on the Discovery last night. That’s what I am.

DC: What? A polar bear in the jungle? Ok, you know what? You don’t find any of those animals in the jungle. I think this interview is over.

K-Fed: Yo, thanks for giving me the opportunity to come clear will all the crazy happenings of my life. Pocazoa!

DC: Alright, see you too. Wait, poca what?

K-Fed: It’s Brazilian for peace. Pocazoa!

DC: I’m Portuguese. You just made that up.

K-Fed: It’s Jamaican, then…

DC: Get the fuck out of here.

K-Fed: Naw, I work here, dog.

Share It!

Lindsey Lohan’s parents are currently going through process of finalizing their divorce. As the media outside of the Long Island family court accosted them; both spoke of putting the separation proceedings behind them so that Lindsay could “get on with her life” and “find closure”.

Hopefully none of these things will happen.

Hopefully Lohan will remain an addict with several personality disorders. Why on earth would the world (and by the world I mean creepy dudes like me) want Lindsey Lohan to be well adjusted, or for that matter lucid? One of the reasons female sex symbols exist is because dudes all around the world have at least one deviant brain-cell in their heads that thinks, “….if I met Lindsey Lohan at 7-11 I would totally know what to say to her because I have crib notes for her that I keep in my pocket and she’d probably be too high to resist my sexual advances”.

I propose that instead of trying to get Lohan sober therapists and the justice system should instead be focused on trying to enable her. Someone with her access to money can live as a functioning addict and/or narcissistic personality with no problem.

Keep maintaining and relishing your sexually loose drug addled life, just don’t do anything to derail it. Don’t get caught. No DUIs. Twenty Kamikazes at the club? Call a limousine. Be drunk, be high, and sleep around. Pass out on Orlando Bloom’s crotch, not on the front seat of a stalled Escalade on Ventura Blvd. with the windows open. Feel free to expose your private parts on purpose or on accident, just not in front of any cops. Keep the dream alive for guys like me. We are the reason you are a sex symbol in the first place.

Share It!

Recently Angelina Jolie, Madonna and other female sex symbols have taken to adopting impoverished children from third world countries. These so called acts of selflessness will undoubtedly lead to better lives for the children and deeper more enriched lives for the sex symbols. Unfortunately these adoptions have the collateral effect of diminishing the sexiness of the sex symbols, which far outstrips any of the aforementioned positive effects.

When a man first sees a sexy girl, he sees her at her sexiest. He knows nothing about her. She is essentially a girl in a magazine (although usually not as good looking). From the moment he hears her say hello, her sexuality decreases with each word she speaks. The more he gets to know about her (both good and bad) the less sexy she becomes. She goes from being an object of sexual desire to being a real person. Who wants to have sex with a mother, or a daughter or a philanthropist? We want to have sex with the girl in Playboy or the girl in the Cinemax movie or the girl walking across the street.

Jolie’s adoptions make her seem too much like a real, caring person and less like Gia or Lara Croft. This has caused her hotness factor to go down. There are millions of men all over the world who have fantasized about doing disgusting things to Angelina Jolie’s lips (both kinds). She has adopted only two or three children and saved them from lives of famine, disease, and servitude. Is it really an act of morality to put the needs of a couple children above the needs of millions of people? I think not.

I hereby call on Larry Flynt, Snoop Dog and the Girls Gone Wild dude to kidnap all celebrity hot chick adopted children and subject them to a life of child labor applying staples to Hustler magazines with their teeth in a windowless dungeon in Rockford, IL. In order to prevent any future hot chick diminishing adoptions I demand that this triumvirate of sleaze commandeer twenty F-16s and carpet bomb the offices of UNICEF and the International Red Cross.

We cannot let adoptionism rule the world! Like its cousins’ fascism, Nazism and terrorism it puts the needs and wants of the selfish few above the rest of mankind. The Girls Gone Wild dude and his pals are modern day Winston Churchills. We are counting on you!

Share It!

Attention Citizens! This is not a drill! This is not an exercise! Run, DO NOT WALK, RUN, to the nearest Emergency Exits! Rush into the streets, go home and shoot yourselves dead! Lionel Richie is having sex! Yes, LIONEL RICHIE is having SEX! Right now! At this very moment maybe! Please! Repent! The end is surely fucking nigh!

Indeed, top secret government surveillance agencies regretfully report that LIONEL RICHIE has been covertly photographed exiting a chic and very expensive sex toy shop in Los Angeles. This picture—snapped only hours ago—confirms that Mr. Richie (aka the monster who unleashed Nicole upon the world) seems to have purchased a big huge mufuggin’ bag of mysterious (but no doubt revolting and totally perverted) sex accoutrements and a middle-aged woman with really creepy bird feet.

AT THIS VERY MOMENT, Mr. “Dancing on the Ceiling” is doubtlessly enjoying having his middle-aged pooter pummeled by a brand new arsenal of big floppy donkey dildoes wielded by that strange birdy-footed woman. But experts and various hangers-on fear that should he become bored with said big floppy donkey dildoes and somehow manages to position his aroused junk near Miss Birdyfoot’s trunk in the appropriate manner, then he may accidentally beget ANOTHER form of terrible Nicole-type creature, which will clearly bring on the end of the world!

“Scientist have long realized the potential disaster that could easily arise in the event of Lionel Richie breeding again. In fact, even Biblical scholars are nervous, having long since identified Miss Richie as a sign of the Apocalypse—-‘The whore who rules over the kings of the earth and rides upon a seven-headed beast.’ Plus, Lionel Richie having sex is just plain fucking GROSS,” a totally real source totally reports.

Right now, the CIA, FBI and CDC are conspiring to react in the event of another Richie engendered pregnancy, and representatives of all three agencies have publicly expressed confidence in a focused prophylactic military response, and urge calm among the masses and support of your government officials. Personally, I suggest preemptive suicide. Is the possibility of living in a world with another Richie too much to take? Is living too big of a risk?

Indeed. Even should he not breed and bring on the end of the world, the notion of Lionel Richie fucking that’s seared now into my brain makes living too painful to bear. Suicide! It’s the only way!

by Adrian Ryan

Share It!

She chain smokes in front of the children, then tells them that cigarettes are “candy”. She feeds them bags of sugar, then tries to bribe her dentist to whiten their rotten teeth. She drops them, knocks them over, and drives with them unbuckled on her lap. She’s a fat crazy cooter-flashing whore who voted for Bush. Etc. And now, K-Fed or whatthefuckever (just call him “Sperm Donor”) is fiending to take custody, and a source says, he’s the only hope those little brats have!

Whoa. Now that was just freaking TRAGIC.

“She smokes like a chimney in front of them,” another mysterious source repots. “She’ll actually turn to Sean Preston and say, ‘Baby, where are Mama’s lollipops?’ Sean runs, gets her cigarettes and brings them back to her.”

Mmm. Delicious lollipops!

And yet even another so-called insider who should mind their own damn business reports that Britney has reverted so much to her true Hillbilly, Jerry Springer-watching, Bush-voting origins, that she even uses her two unwary toddlers as weapons in the family feud!

“When Sean Preston cries for his grandma, Britney tells the him, get over it, crybaby, there’s no way in hell your ever gonna see that “bad lady” again!”

In response to all the crazy, Kevin Fed…excuse me, Sperm Donor…is rumored to be gathering his forces for a big legal battle, and even the cover of the new US Weekly (which I never read, fuck you) worries, “Kevin battles for Sean and Jayden as Britney grows more dangerous!” If he could be reached for comment, I’m sure he’d probably say something like, “I feel that Britney’s widely celebrated mental, physical and emotional deterioration provides an unfit environment for my darling children.” But what he would really mean, of course, is this, “Fuck that bitch—I’m gonna take her kids away. Where are my cigarettes?”

Updates as the terrible drama unfolds. And it WILL.

by Adrian Ryan

Share It!

Some notorious liars that hardly bear mentioning (TMZ.com) report that they have nefariously obtained the SECRET GENERIC REPLY LETTER that Paris Hilton is making some flying monkey of hers deliver on her behalf in response to the sickening buckets of retarded correspondence she got from complete (and completely retarded) strangers and misguided wishers-of-well when she was still in the pokey.

Ha, ha. “Pokey”.

TMZ reports:

“Photocopied and slightly off center (the letter), it contains the line, “I read your letter…” — perhaps she did, but as TMZ first reported, Paris got so much mail at Lynwood — it had to be carried out in giant push carts!”

Giant fucking PUSHCARTS? Wow.

Well, I haven’t gotten a response like that as of yet, and, yes, shut up, I took the time to sit down and pen Paris a little note when she was still in jail. (How could I NOT? I ask you.) I’d like to share that letter here with you:

Dear Whore,

I’m only sorry you didn’t kill a whole bunch of blond babies in your drunken stupor you dumb slut, because you deserve the fucking chair. Do you hear me? THE FUCKING CHAIR!”

Love,
Molly Ringwald

Now, if I’m really, really patient and eat my vegetables, I might just get one of these that she has been sending out….

“[Dear Molly] I read your letter and just wanted to thank you for your kind words of love and support. The fact that you tool time out of your day. But I am being strong and trying to make the best out of the situation. And the letters I am receiving really do put a smile on my face as I sit here in my cell sad and alone. Again, thank you so much, and may God bless you and your family.”

OHHHHH! I can hardly wait!!!!

by Adrian Ryan

Share It!

In what is poised to be the most shameless act of rich, smug, celebrity selfishness, not only has Madonna stolen (“adopted”) an African baby, but she has also bought an African man. In an attempt to challenge, and more importantly, change the country’s definition of “stolen” to “adopted” , Madonna paid off Penstone Kilembe (who if you remember or in case don’t, is the director of Child Welfare Services in Malawi) to give the thumbs up on the Madge’s adoption process.

According to Reuters:

“One of Malawi’s leading weekly newspapers reported on Sunday that Minister of Women and Child Development Kate Kainja had barred Penstone Kilembe from making his planned trip to assess the suitability of Madonna and her husband, film director Guy Ritchie, as the boy’s adoptive parents.

The High Court of Malawi appointed Kilembe to travel to Britain twice and was to have relied on his testimony in ruling whether Madonna’s adoption of the child should be formalized in a hearing next year.

The Malawi News newspaper reported that the minister accused Kilembe of obtaining an air ticket and money from Madonna without government approval.

‘What this means is that the whole adoption process may crumble and David sent back to his village,’ he told Reuters.

Justin Dzonzi, a lawyer who led a 65-member human rights group in challenging Madonna’s adoption, also said the minister’s decision could halt the adoption process.

Dzonzi filed the case arguing that Malawi laws forbid international adoption and therefore the government broke its own laws by granting Madonna an interim adoption.”

It’s a shame really, that in this day and age, you can’t just go around buying Africans. The historical and ethical significance against buying blacks is practically non-existent. And even if a few were hurt some, I don’t know, what…twenty… fifty years ago, who’s to keep me, a caring, compassionate individual from buying one of the cute ones in order to feel like a self-validated contributing member of society?

Share It!

Furthering his long-standing and desperate campaign to prove that he isn’t a ginormous homo, sources report that Justin Timberlake has at just this very moment forced some sort of faggoty-ass “promise ring” thing on his so-called “girlfriend”, so-called “Jessica Biel” or whatever. (She’s an actress or something. Nobody remembers what she’s been in. All we really know is for sure is that she isn’t and should never be confused with that chick from Flashdance, Jennifer Beals, and that’s just a shame, because Flashdance rocks my nards. Hard.

“Justin says Jess is his dream girl. He wants to give her a symbol of his affection and love,” a source that can’t be trusted reports.

But sad new for Princess Fancypants! The so-called “girlfriend” barely even wants the faggoty-ass piece of crap! In fact, she doesn’t want any kind of official-er commitment with him at all! Observe:

“You’re single for 20 or 30 years, and you’re married for like 70. It doesn’t seem like a good ratio, does it? Screw that faggot!”, she said or something like that. Mostly. (Ohhh! Be still my fluttering heart! It’s LOVE!)

Instead of effectively confirming the alleged heterosexuality of Mr. Timberlake, these events merely serve to enforce expert’s growing suspicions that Jessica Biel is secretly a man.

Updates as events unfold. Or not. You know. Whatever.

Share It!

I wish I had lots of money so I could get a forensic pathologist to go around making up excuses for me.

Last week in the Phil Specter murder trial, defense “expert” Dr. Werner Spitz asserted that the blood found on the Specter’s jacket “may” have been in fact spit on the music producer in Lana Clarkson’s final dying breath.

Prior to the doctor’s testimony the prosecution had been trying to pose a far-fetched theory that the blood may have actually come from the gallons of hemoglobin spewing from the gaping bullet hole in Clarkson’s skull.

Clearly Dr. Spitz (insert blood spitting joke here) is the man to call if you are a defendant in a paternity suit and you want to use the, “your honor I think somebody done stole my love juice and poured it into her va jay jay”, defense.

Dr. Spitz “may” be biased because he is being given $2,500 a day for his testimony. It is not known if Dr. Spitz will be accepting payment from Specter in cigarettes and sexual favors rather than dollars when he pays his bill from San Quentin federal prison.

Maybe the defense’s next expert witness will be renowned zoologist Dr. Jack Hanna. He could testify that the stain “may” have come from a scratch from a ravenous squirrel that was nesting in Specter’s enormous hair.

Although she didn’t contribute in any way to this article, Court TV’s Nancy Grace is in fact a detestable, annoying person with nothing but hate and a half digested mint julep in her heart.

.

Share It!

Nicole Ritchie was a coked out toothpick. That was then. (Like ten minutes ago.) Now she’s suddenly a nun with a bun. In her oven. Her dry, desolate, drug-wizened oven. And she pretty much tells her former party-girl playmates, “Save yourselves! Breed like me!”

But will it keep her out of JAIL?

Uhmmm no.

Yes, by the grace of whatever Prince of Hell controls her particular destiny (my guess? Beelzebub, Lord of Flies), some intrepid sperm found the fortitude to bust its way through Nicole Ritchie’s smack-marbleized egg sack, and somehow? SOMEHOW? The whole fertilization thing actually happened. (World, despair.) And, Miss Ritchie would like to have the world know that getting knocked-up has worked a miracle on her infamous attitude.

On yesterdays ABC interview with Diane Sawyer or whatever (when will that fossil just turn to OIL already?), Nicole was no longer a pie-eyed oxy-freak with a greasy tootsie roll tan and characteristic trail of semen, but a demure and soft spoken Jackie fucking O, wearing fourteen hundred shades of creamy pastel pearl pink, sitting as bolt upright and a woody with a stick up its ass, and wagging her remorseful new sense of social responsibility. And nary a coke-spoon in sight! Nicole politely assured the world that she’s no longer the junked-up party hooker of yore (ten minutes ago) but a changed…uh, er…”woman”, and it’s all because the condom broke!

“Now that I’m having a baby myself, I realize how awful it was for me to give young ladies such a horrible role model, little girls seeing me on TV with my skinny box aimed at the sky, getting plowed like a potato field by god knows how many strange men, and my face in a pile of pure Peruvian—and now? I just feel terrible about the entire thing, because I’m all pregnant and having my own baby or whatever and shit, and I am SO totally not the same drunk-driving anorexic I was then (ten minutes ago), and God I hope it keeps me out of jail” or something. She sort of said in the interview. (Possible paraphrase. Whatever.)

So, all that the whoreish likes of Paris Hilton, Nico…no, wait…Lindsay Lohan, Nicol…er, no… and other at-risk crash-and-burn party hos everywhere must do to mend their crack-addled, ass-in-the-air, billion-dollar-bitch ways (and hopefully stay out of jail-FINGERS CROSSED!) is to lie back and let all that sperm that’s always sloshing around inside them anyway do what Mother Nature intended it to do. Fertilize their wretched eggs, already! Please!

by Adrian Ryan

Share It!