Al Gore III plead guilty Monday to possessing marijuana and other drugs… but fearing his son going to prison would distract his dad from saving penguins and telling you how to live, the judge offered to drop the charges if he would complete a drug diversion program.

Surely, with the Gores having a little money, he will get some top notch care like Britney and Lindsay… what’s the name of that Malibu clinic again? You know, the one they all go to that seems to be nothing more than a fast track to mental breakdowns and future criminal arrests? Promises? Broken Promises? Delusions?

If there is one thing in life that I can’t stand (besides almost everything), it’s the super wealthy and their “problems”. Don’t get my wrong. I know being a multi-millionaire isn’t a bed of roses. And why would it be? That’s dumb. Roses have thorns. Why sleep on thorns when you can just sleep on piles of freshly minted Hundred Dollar Bills like the Gore family? “Bed of roses” Seriously, what kind of ignorant, poverty stricken, greenhouse gas producing, global warming piece of trailer trash dreamt up a phrase like that anyway?…Err… anyway… these Gore guys aren’t all bad so, let’s look at a random excerpt from the Gore Family Score Card.

Papa Gore was 45^th Vice President (very cool!) = +5

Ran marathon while serving as Vice President (also cool) = +2

As V.P. got no help in pulling any young, White House ass from Clinton = -2

Jr. drives a Prius = +1

Jr. arrested for driving a Prius 100MPH while being chased by police = -2

Jr. is drug addict = -5

Papa stays relevant by pretending to care about stuff = +2

Mom tries to censor rap music after hearing Prince song = -2

Mom later panders to similar musicians for political campaign fund raising = -6

Papa preaches about personal sacrifice from comfort of mansion and private jet = -5

Papa charges insane speaking fees to tell you how you need to live your life = -5

Makes successful documentary to draw attention to environmental issues = +1

Later claims it’s quite OK to lie about the facts to draw attention to those issues = -5

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In a shameless act of indescribable and unimaginable cruelty, Jessica Simpsons father and manager (the unemployable guy who leeches off his kids and their hard work) was speaking to People Magazine about his daughters offers for movies, remarking that they recently turned down the opportunity for her to play a porn star in a new film.

“The last script that came to us was for Jessica to be a porn star. We were promised we would win an Oscar with that,” Simpson told People. “I was like, ‘Eh, we’ll just buy a [statue of a] little man and keep our clothes on.

Was that necessary? Did you have to take that little dream away from us?

Do any of us go around telling 6 year olds that Santa Claus and his reindeer were shot down by a surface to air missile over New Jersey? Do we go around telling children that cute rabbits like the Easter Bunny can’t lay eggs but make a really great stew? Do we try to convince hippies that guy on the corner actually has no intention of working for food? Do we tell rednecks that NASCAR is for retards?

Of course not.

We leave people alone to hope and dream and believe in the things that make them feel better about themselves and to give them something to enjoy and look forward to in their empty, pointless and unfulfilling lives.

For so many years, we’ve endured the nonsensical babble of this brainless, no talent twit because she is hot. After today, I see no reason to tolerate her at all. As Joe has now forced me to say goodbye to all of my perverted Jessica Simpson fantasies forever, I can’t help but to feel like I’ve lost an old friend.

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Wanted: Sleazy, soulless skank, addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, attention and prescription medication needed for leading role in Hollywood thriller with impossibly shitty, incoherent script, bad direction, incompetent supporting actors, embarrassing editing and cinematography. Having a criminal record, brainless attention whore with a nice rack for a mom and a convicted felon for a dad is a plus.

In what is certain to be one of this summers biggest shockers, movie goers think Lindsay Lohans new movie “I Know Who Killed Me” sucks. It seems really strange to me. You would think that casting one of Hollywood’s most “Good God! what the hell is that whore even famous for anyway?” personalities in the leading role would cement its summer box office success.

What do I know anyway… lets hear from the critics:

“THERE’S been a lot of speculation this week about Lindsay Lohan’s latest antics damaging her movie career - but sadly, it would be hard for the troubled actress to sink much lower than “I Know Who Killed Me.”

Sony dumped this sleazy, inept and worthless piece of torture porn into theaters yesterday”

- NY Post

Given that this is a Linday Lohan movie, you might expect the answer to be the bartender or the drug-dealer—or even the assistant’s mother. (Or maybe to be a story of self-destruction.) But “I Know Who Killed Me” is the sort of picture that has nothing whatsoever to do with real life. Its true ancestors are the lurid grande dame exercises in Grand Guignol from the 1960s—wild, operatic, implausible flicks like “Hush…Hush, Sweet Charlotte.” But those movies were fun; this sleazy, silly thriller is so bad it doesn’t even seem to realize it’s unadulterated kitsch.

- OneGuysOpinion.com

Talk about adding insult to injury. At the same time that Lindsay Lohan’s personal life hits a new low, she suffers the additional indignity of starring in “I Know Who Killed Me,” a jaw-droppingly inept thriller that some jokesters have already been dubbed “I Know Who Killed My Career.”

- Kalamazoo Gazette

With sky-blue tools, gloves and mask, the killer looks so much like a member of the Blue Man Group that you expect him to spit marshmallows at his victims.

- Chicago Tribune

Having broken free of the Disney machine that molded her, Lohan now seems intent on destroying her career and credibility on her own terms.
A.V. Club Rating:

- AVclub.com

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Following Lindsay Lohan’s arrest on DUI charges, her mother says that her daughter “is in a safe place”, though she and her daughter “are like prisoners in our own home because paparazzi is staked outside”. Showbuzz reports that Michael Lohan, Lindsay’s father, blamed the people surrounding his daughter for her troubles.

“It’s said that people, places and things have a direct bearing on our life and it’s very true, and the people around Lindsay are just there for the wrong reasons,” Michael Lohan said on CNN’s “Larry King Live” Tuesday. “They enable her. They turn a blind eye to what was going on, and they are there to make a paycheck. I don’t care if it’s the bodyguards, if it’s the — I don’t even want to point fingers, just people have the wrong motive and attention, and they are just — they are a terrible effect on Lindsay’s life. I said from the beginning: she has to clean house, like I did and like I believe Dina does and we have to start all over again from where we started and where we found the most strength and success in life and each other.”

This guy, Lindsay’s father, was released from prison in March after serving nearly two years for attempted assault and driving while intoxicated.

I have the sneaking suspicion that no one in the Lohan family has ever taken responsibility for anything in their entire lives. I bet if you went back 500 years in Ireland you’d find ‘ol Patrick Lohan drunk at the side of the road with a dead serf child under the wheels of his carriage and blaming it on the leprachauns.

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Drew Carey announced on the Letterman show that he will replace Bob Barker as the new host on The Price is Right. Carey mentioned that negotiations with the network had been underway for some time, and that “all the deal points have been settled”.

One might think that “all the deal points” might involve such things as pay, work schedule, vacations, profit-sharing, or creative control, but anyone who knows anything about Hollywood knows what’s really going on here: Carey gets to pick the game-show’s models.

Like Louis XV, Carey’s depraved agents will scour the land looking for the finest 19-year-old nubiles to work on the show revealing the prices of Bisquick and Turtlewax only to later find out the real price of being a Price is Right model.

In fact, a 2005 study found that 85% of new cars won of the show contained trace elements of Bob Barker’s semen either in the back seat or on the hood.

“Come on down”, indeed.

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The University of California recently paid Al Gore $100,000 for a 75-minute speaking engagement regarding the environment. For the event he also demanded complete control over all the press materials advertising the talk. Y’know, a lot of people will frown on the implications of all this money being made from what is popularly regarded as a “good cause”, but they don’t realize how much time and effort it involves.

It sounds easy, but in reality it can be a trying experience, especially if a phalanx of panda bears are blocking your path to the campus. In this situation, the average enviro-friendly vehicle does not typically have the torque to dispatch the animals via ramming, so either blades must be installed on the front of your vehicle, or non-environmentally-friendly bulldozers must be brought in to eliminate the obstacles and ultimately to preserve the momentum of the Green Movement.

I, for one, commend Al Gore for his activism, and find his fee to be quite reasonable. Until these greedy corporate automakers start producing biodiesels equipped with front-end panda-mutilation-devices (PMDs), the little guy has no choice but to make a buck here and there to pay for his part in a greener world.

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CNN reported that Miss New Jersey beauty pageant winner Amy Polumbo can keep her crown despite an investigation by pageant officials concerning a series of “unladylike” photos found on her Facebook page.

“The pictures include one showing what Polumbo said was her boyfriend apparently biting her breast through her shirt, another of Polumbo in a limousine wearing jeans with her legs spread in the air and another of her in what appears to be a Halloween costume dress holding two small pumpkins up to her breasts.”

What the hell is wrong with everyone? This is exactly the kind of behavior that should be nurtured and praised, not investigated or wrist-slapped. As long as Miss Whoever visits a children’s hospital now and then to keep up virtuous appearances, the rest of the time she must be allowed to attend to the serious work required of her profession, such as blowing pageant officials, letting men play with her breasts, and to practice spreading her legs in preparation for her imminent future in prostitution or on internet porn sites performing interracial pumpkinjobs.

Defending her antics, Polumbo stated, “I’m not a robot. I’m a human being,” which would make sense if she were in the “Prove You’re Not a Robot Contest”, but is otherwise beside the point. Nonetheless, her quick thinking saved her the crown. Kind of like the time my aunt caught me masturbating and I said, “I’m not a spaceship, I’m a snake handler.”

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A fellow passenger recently took photos of Nick Nolte in a Hawaiian airport, splayed on the floor of the terminal, drifting in and out of consciousness, apparently quite inebriated. He chatted with people and posed for photos.

Reading this story on several sites, and seeing the kinds of comments people are leaving, I’m completely mystified. People are full of pity, and say how “sad” it is. Now, I’ve been on a lot of flights, and can say that I’ve never been disturbed by a friendly drunk guy sprawled out on the ground. Mostly I’ve been disturbed by simpler forms of hell, like people with children, or the million-and-a-half sociopaths talking loudly on their cellphones about some tedious business affair that threatens to lobotomize everyone in hearing range.

I think it’s time to put the “drunken celebrity” story in perspective. There are some celebrities I would be honored to lift from a puddle of their own drool while I’m waiting for a flight. There are others that would make my skin crawl and I would go hide in the bathroom and air-dry my hands until the boarding call.

If my flight were delayed, nothing would be more welcome than having Nick Nolte or Christopher Walken there three sheets to the wind. Compare this to, say, Paul Schafer, or Anderson Cooper, or, Tom Hanks. God, what a nightmare. I almost just killed myself thinking about it, but then remembered it wasn’t real. If you ever stroll up to your gate and I’m there and I’m dead, you’ll know what happened.

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We can’t all be young and beautiful forever. No one is more painfully aware of this right now than the only Spice girl I’ve ever admitted masturbating to.

If you are anything like Victoria Beckham and your parents were also a Praying Mantis and a Fruit Fly, you no doubt know what its like to spend your days fretting those final few weeks, as your increasingly misshapen body enters the final phase of its transformation turning you into a full on, creepy and weird stick bug person.

We all know the signs… your skull begins to look increasingly pronounced, your arms and legs thin to the point of falling off and your skin begins to look like it was stripped from your body, tied in knots, beaten against a wall for a few days and thrown back on you upside down and backwards leaving your body looking lumpy and odd.

Then, before you know it, the lumpy exoskeleton developing beneath your skin begins to show through on your legs as it readies to break out of its aging and tore up outer shell.

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Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted for illegal dogfighting related to this site: www.puppyprofits.com. Vick has been running the business out of his home for the last several years, and faces up to $350,000 in fines and six years in prison.

CBS reports:

Fifty-four pit bulls were recovered from the property during searches in April, along with a “rape stand,” used to hold dogs in place for mating; an electric treadmill modified for dogs; and a bloodied piece of carpeting, the documents said.

Fights would end when one dog died or with the surrender of the losing dog, which was sometimes put to death by drowning, strangulation, hanging, gun shot, electrocution or some other method, according to the documents.

Is that it? And he’s going to get pulled from the Falcons line-up for this? I tell you, federal grand juries these days need to get their priorities straight. The team needs Vick, especially this season. And what of the sponsors? And what of the fans, all the fans who support him? A lot of those fans are children. Can’t we please remember the children?

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