I’ve gotta say, that after I watched the Paris Hilton interview with Larry King for the second time, I found Larry King to be even sleazier than Paris Hilton. Sure, Paris Hilton is a liar, but she’s simple and it’s difficult to judge her low nature. Like judging an amoeba or a tadpole. She just wants to be rich, get attention, and suck the most notorious dicks of her era. Is that out of character for an heiress?

Larry King, on the other hand, presents himself as a journalist, as an intellectual in the most successful capitalist economy that has ever existed in the history of Earth.

So what were his hard-hitting questions?

He asked her, “What’s your favorite bible passage? Are you going to go to Mass?” She says that she doesn’t have a particular favorite bible passage. She says that she’s going to go to “Mass” more often. Pathetic questions for an Uber-whore when all we really wanted to know the important stuff that us simple people can relate to like “Has Valtrex helped you control your genital herpes”

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Whatever happened to Paris Hilton in jail, it certainly bears no resemblance to what she described in her interview with Larry King.

For certain she put on an orange jumpsuit, she probably ate some baloney sandwiches for lunch, but there’s no way on earth she “spoke to other inmates through the vents”, wrote a lot, or “read a lot of books”.  Unless a mattress tag is considered a book.  She also said that she coped with her situation by “meditating”.  Uh-huh.

Hilton called her short term in jail a “blessing in disguise” and said that now she’s going to “follow all the laws”.  When Larry King asked if her jail time had taught her a lesson, she said that it was “very traumatic”, that “God has a reason”, and that it allowed her to take a “time-out in life”, even though she felt like she “was in a scary movie”. 

Lets run through some of these equations, shall we?

Blessing in Disguise + Baloney Sandwich = Follow All the Laws

Jail + Trauma = God Has a Reason

Meditating + Time-Out In Life = Scary Movie

I have no idea what the fuck she’s talking about, but when rich people who go to jail get richer by going to jail, I feel like I’M in a scary movie.  So I meditate and eat a baloney sandwich, then I’m in a special place where I don’t feel so bad.

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Sultry starlet Angelina Jolie has raised eyebrows and dropped pounds recently. She told London’s Evening Standard newspaper,

“Someone saying to me that I’m thin is not a compliment. I’ve always been lean and this year I [luckily] lost my mom and I’ve gone through a lot. I have four kids and I finished breastfeeding [those lucky bastards] — it’s been hard to get my nutrition back on track. Instead of people saying I look like a person dealing with something emotionally, they assume it’s because I want to fit into skinny jeans [which I do like nobody’s business].”

Jolie isn’t just hot with her dead-mom-thinness, she’s Angelina-Jolie-but-skinnier hot, which is apparently exactly what’s required to keep a Brad Pitt type interested in your ever-fleeting hotness. Though still hot, with age her head has continued to look more and more peculiar. I’d still totally hit that, but my standards have never been lower.

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“Saving Private Ryan” actor Tom Sizemore asked a judge for another chance after admitting he violated his parole in a drug case, asking against all reason to be placed back on probation, a thing he has a killer track record of defying.Sizemore got into an argument with a hotel desk clerk over a botched reservation, cops were called and they found him in a car. A search turned up bags of crystal meth and paraphernalia, plus Vicodin, Klonopin and Valium, and no prescription for any of them.

To be fair to Tom, it is well known that frequent use of these drugs is the best way to get rid of a headache (also known as “a successful career as an award winning movie star”)

Sizemore admitted violating his probation for a prior methaphetamine conviction for snorting a small boatload and sleeping with a prostitute the day before, while his girlfriend was upstairs in the same residence. Using one of my favorite excuses, he chose to rely on an old favorite and claimed that the drugs actually belonged to the hooker. My wife falls for this one all the time.

At the end of it all, the judge did give him a chance and cut the his potential 16 month sentence in half, giving him 213 days credit for time he spent in jail and for his time participating in live-in drug addiction treatment program… which seems odd considering his drug addiction treatment included, inspiring model behavior involving non-stop drug use and hookers.

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The German Defense Ministry has declared that a Hollywood production about WWII will not be allowed to film at pertinent German sites as long as the lead historic character, Colonel Claus von Somethingorother, is played by Tom Cruise who “has publicly professed to being a member of the Scientology cult”.

CNN reports that this is because “German political parties say Scientology is a cult that seeks to manipulate its followers and make money.” Hmm. This all sounds very suspicious. I, for one, like to make money. But, then again, I’m a Jew. But maybe they are right. Although the Nazis were one of the more prolific and destructive cults the earth has ever witnessed, they did not charge membership dues.

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After 23 days, Paris Hilton was released from Lynwood prison shortly after midnight on Monday night/Tuesday morning.

Since that time, STD’s in the Los Angeles area have increased 325%.

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The Sun reports that Paris Hilton’s mother, Kathy, told reporters that when Paris is released from jail “the one thing the heiress will be looking forward to the most” is no longer having to wear an orange jumpsuit. Her mother said that Paris is “sick of orange, but her health is good.”

That makes sense. I should know, because one time I was trapped in the belly of a whale with nothing but my SCUBA gear, and after I clawed my way out the press asked me what I looked forward to the most and I said, “I’m sick of this silly black wetsuit, and I never want to see anything in the shape of an oxygen tank again. Also, my body is covered in bloody red lesions, and I’m sick of it, and I can’t wait to get home and spraypaint myself green. No more black, no more red, no more cylinders, got it?”

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The BBC reports that Cameron Diaz has apologized for visiting Peru while carrying a bag with a large red star above the Chinese slogan “serve the people”.

Peruvian human rights activist Pablo Rojas said of the Maoist slogan, “It alludes to a concept that did so much damage to Peru, that brought about so many victims. I don’t think she should have used that bag where the followers of that ideology did so much damage.”

Diaz, presently starring in a cartoon about a silly green ogre, and whose every action reverberates with sober economic and cultural impact around the world, issued a statement to the Associated Press apologizing for “people’s pain and suffering” and for reopening a “painful wound in this country’s history”. Diaz continued that she wished for Peruvians’ “continued healing”.

Human rights activists are such ninnies. Did anyone really think for a moment that Cameron Diaz, known for playing a ditzy girl with sperm in her hair, reads Chinese and brought along a special bag just to upset everyone in Peru?

Besides, what is the point of being a rich and famous Hollywood celebrity if you can’t march around doing whatever you want? When presented with pressure to apologize, she should have commanded her bodyguards to overthrow the Peruvian government and her interior decorators to paint all the buildings red, while she issued a statement saying, “Indeed, people will be served…” after which a giant mechanical Shrek would pounce out from behind a mountain and start devouring Peruvians by the fistful.

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Has anyone noticed that, before their marriage, Brad Pitt was a more formidable star than Angelina Jolie, commanding the center stage in tabloid photos? Since their marriage, he’s seen tagging behind, even sometimes toting the kids.

In a recent interview with Jon Stewart, Angela Jolie said that she desires between 7 and 14 children.

Pitt has been reduced to a walking sperm bank, in fact and in stature. Though many males would not object to the arrangement in such circumstances, the Pitt/Jolie phenomenon warrants further study in that their relationship is very closely aligned to that of the Deep Sea Anglerfish, in which the male of the species attaches itself to the female by its mouth and then, in the darkest depths of the ocean, slowly degenerates, losing its eyes and all its organs except for its testes. In essence, the male simply becomes a new organ for the female, providing her a lifetime supply of sperm. In return, the male is allowed to each day nibble at her fantastic lips and bosom and to co-star in her movies.

That is the story of the wise, just, and noble Deep Sea Anglerfish.

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Every media outlet in the world, my sister tells me, has announced that Jennifer Aniston is the new spokesperson for SmartWater. Which is much like announcing that Tommy Lee is the new spokesperson for Babysitters Inc.

Glaceau, who manufactures SmartWater, says on their website that “before now, the only way to get truly pure water was to catch a raindrop from a cloud. But since clouds are hard to reach…a lot of water we drink comes from the ground and contains random stuff and whatever else the animals that swim in it leave behind. That’s why we copied our little white puffy friends by vapor distilling smartwater. We then one-upped the clouds by adding key electrolytes to keep you hydrated…thus creating smartwater.”

So basically, Glaceau filters some water, adds some whatever, then hires Jennifer Aniston to convince us that the water doesn’t contain ox hair or goat blood.

Fine by me. As long as Jennifer says it’s true, I’m sold. Because you can’t fantasize about titty-fucking a cloud. Well, I can, but that’s only because my cock is made of airplanes.

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