Infamous oddball artist Daniel Edwards of New York has earned fame for bronzing Suri Cruise’s first baby poop and an anatomically correct “Birth of Sean Preston” piece showing Britney Spears on a bearskin rug giving birth. This time he’s gone a tad further with a life-sized sculpture of Paris Hilton splaying her guts wearing nothing but a jeweled Tiara atop her ostensibly empty head.

As if that’s not bad enough, her trademark pint-sized canine Tinkerbell adorns her shoulder, which is only slightly more obscene than the fact that she has a cell phone in her hand. The aptly named “Paris Hilton Autopsy” will be used in the public service announcement “Campaign to Rescue Women of Youth”, designed to minimize drunk driving.

Hilton pleaded no contest to alcohol-related reckless driving in January following her September arrest. Part of her sentence included 40-hours of community service.

If you want to get your hands on Paris Hilton, this is your big chance. The sculpture has an open abdominal cavity and all the to-scale organs inside are removable. Visitors to the exhibition will creepily be allowed to pick through the plaster-and-clay kibbles and bits when it goes on display May 11th at Capla Kesting Fine Art in Brooklyn’s Williamsburg neighborhood.

Representatives for Paris Hilton had not returned calls for comment as of press time, so it is unknown how she feels about the “artwork”. No word yet as to if the sculpture contains a brain, or if it is anatomically correct instead.

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“The Beach Party at the Threshold of Hell” star Daniel Baldwin couldn’t appear in court when the charges against him were dropped, thanks in no small part to court-ordered drug rehabilitation following an arrest last year on cocaine possession charges. The actor may have left a bad taste in the mouths of film-goers and had all kinds of drug paraphernalia in that Santa Monica hotel, but Judge Kelly MacEachern has determined that he did not steal the 2003 GMC Yukon from his friend Ken Smith.

Authorities had alleged that the guy who totally sucked in “Car 54, Where Are You” had stolen the car, even though Baldwin had plausibly explained that he “borrowed it”. Baldwin thought Smith’s cousin had possession and legal rights to lend the vehicle, but he did not, so the “Vegas Vampires” star was arrested and subsequently charged with the crime.

After a brief hearing, charges were dropped at the request of the prosecution. The judge in the case explained that “After following up on statements that were provided to us by witnesses and the victim, we determined that the evidence didn’t support us going forward with the case.” Lucky break indeed for the guy whose best role was playing Vet #1 in “Born on the Fourth of July”.

While the star of “Bare Witness” may not be an Alec, a Stephen or even a William Baldwin, the one clear determination is that he also not the star of Grand Theft Auto Santa Monica, Actual Real Life Edition.

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Australian government officials announced Thursday that they canceled the travel visa of noted rapper and lover of both gin and juice, Snoop Dogg due to his lack of “good character”. This means he will not be able to make his scheduled appearance at MTV’s Australian Video Music Awards on Sunday.

Federal immigration minister Kevin Andrews told Macquarie Radio that Snoop Dogg’s visa application had been denied, stating, “The reality is … he has a whole string of convictions, and just two weeks ago I was told he was convicted on a number of charges again and sentenced to three years imprisonment on two, and three years imprisonment on another, with five years probation and a suspended sentence. He has been denied entry into the U.K. because he was caught with others causing a fray at Heathrow Airport. He doesn’t seem the sort of bloke we want in this country.”

To the chagrin of fans and ghetto bitches alike, the determination takes criminal convictions under consideration.

According to an official statement, MTV Australia officials said, “MTV executives are cooperating fully with immigration officials to respond to the cancellation of his visa, and remain hopeful he will be permitted to enter the country to attend Sunday’s MTV Australia Video Music Awards as scheduled. We respect the process, but it’s not over yet.”

For a continent founded on the principal of criminal exile, they sure seem pretty uptight about a few measly felonies, misdemeanors and assorted other criminal infractions.

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UK-based Associated Newspapers paid libel damages to actor and convicted child prostitute fan Hugh Grant due to outright lies published in two of their newspapers, The Mail and the Daily Mail.

The two papers had published a number of baseless articles included everything from him being an usher at former girlfriend Elizabeth Hurley’s wedding, him making advances on female Warner executives, despising publicity meetings for his films, having sponsored a chimpanzee, having purchased an expensive necklace as a gift and rumors of jealousy pertaining to his girlfriend, Jemima Khan.

Grant said, “I took this action because I was tired of the Daily Mail and Mail on Sunday papers publishing almost entirely fictional articles about my private life for their own financial gain. I’m also hoping that this statement in court might remind people that the so-called ‘close friends’ or ‘close sources’ on which these stories claim to be based almost never exist.”

The papers have paid an undisclosed sum to a cancer charity plus reimbursed Grant for legal fees. Associated Newspapers have also promised “not to repeat the allegations”.

Grant was not on hand when the settlement was reached, but he’s been busy following last week’s arrest for suspicion of assault after he allegedly kicked a photographer and threw baked beans at him in London. He has also been busy not filming any movies, which can really take a toll on even the most seasoned of 46-year-old actors.

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If you’ve ever heard an unsubstantiated, unfounded and eventually disproved urban legend about “Pretty Woman” star Richard Gere, you’ve seen the depths to which this actor will stoop, at least according to people who don’t like him for reasons unknown. This time, Richard Gere doesn’t have to ferret out the rat, he knows the debaucheristic rumors stem only from the culturally insensitive moves he put on Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty at a New Delhi AIDS awareness event.

So offensive was it when Gere swooped in and stole a hot, Hindi necking, that the northern city of Jaipur has put out a warrant for his arrest. Gere, still on the run following the release of “Dr. T and the Women” is not expected to surrender himself.

Protesters in India wanted more than just their money back from their nickel bootlegs of Autumn in New York, so took to the streets burning effigies of Gere and Shetty. Gere may have felt like a hamster on an ever-spinning wheel in defense of his actions, but as a Guinea Pig in a greater test, he was more of a mouse in a maze hunting for the elusive cheese of acceptance.

Gere publicly stated that, “Me kissing the girl on the cheek was nothing… There is a very small right-wing, very conservative political party in India and they are the moral police in India … they do this kind of thing quite often. It goes to a reputable court and it gets thrown out.”

It’s a very different culture, so surely he otter know better, but the western celebrity was no more than a rodent trapped in the sphincter of the sub-continental sphincter that is India. Clearly, this is one chipmunk who won’t gopher any awards over there any time soon, so he’d be best to squirrel his own nuts away and for good… gerbil.

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Easily one of the biggest pair-named duos in Hollywood these days is the curious spectacle of TomKat. They’re no Filliam H. Muffman, but they do sell enough copies of the tabloids to keep even the craziest reader glued to the presses, and the recent benefit for the 9/11 Detox fundraiser was no exception.

The less-than-dynamic pairsome quite literally halted traffic in Manhattan as they arrived to the Altman building to co-host a $6,000-plus per-plate dinner event to support toxicity victims from the unprecedented attacks of September 11th, 2001.

Despite the best of modern methodologies, the benefit will not support scientific solutions, but rather, and peculiarly, Scientological methods instead.

It is reported that the couple did not leave the event until after 11:15pm, making for an uncommonly long stay for a celebrity couple, but as one person pointed out, “Having more money than movie offers can really free up your schedule.”

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Were it for here or thar she blows, perhaps “Whale Rider” actress Keisha Castle-Hughes might not have had to take a monkly stint in hermitude after controversy erupted over her teenage pregnancy. Castle-Hughes said, “I felt like that I had to hide. I felt like it was bad for me to be happy about [my underage pregnancy].”

Her boyfriend, 19-year-old boyfriend and noted Oscar nominee seducer, Bradley Hull, may not be ready to have meant to impregnate his 16-year-old girlfriend, but after his teenage girlfriend spent three-months portraying the curiously pregnant virgin Mary in a nativity show, he must have gotten used to seeing her tummy all distended like a starving baby.

The doubly-entendre’d “comely starlet” has been hounded by the Aussie paparazzi, a group as famous for asking unreasonable fees for our use of their photos as they have been for hiding in the bushes outside her home. The Star Wars maiden said of such persistent jackals, “I felt scared in my own home and it was horrible. I should be entitled to walk around my front yard without worrying that these people are watching me.”

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Alec Baldwin is famous for playing greedy in “Glen Gary, Glen Ross”, playing dark in “Darkman”, and playing a guy who can’t act relying on his good looks to make him rich in every other film he’s done, but this week he’s still backpedaling like an Enron accountant on audit day, following the atomic fallout of his voicemail meltdown against 11-year-old daughter Ireland last week.

Bad enough nobody is watching the apparently critically-acclaimed NBC show “30 Rock”, but the role the 49-year-old actor plays this week is that of am embarrassed diplomat short of excuses, though on his website he didn’t hesitate to shuffle blame to custodial mother, actress Kim Basinger.

Basinger was accused by Baldwin of leaking a copy of the voicemail message to the press, a claim she denies. Due to his outlandish threats, Basinger has hired private security, though plainly unnecessary and all for show.

Basinger, anything but a saint herself, is allegedly facing a dozen misdemeanor contempt charges for making the oddly named daughter Ireland unavailable for outings with her dad and violating the court’s other orders to comply with agreed-upon visitation schedules.

Baldwin insists his frustration got the better of him, unaware that his daughter, whom he claims to love more than her mother does, though doesn’t know whether she is 11 or 12 years of age, may have been out of reception area, have a dead battery, or be in a school or other such environment where it’s inappropriate for a pre-teen’s telephone to ring… I mean really, is an 11-year-old really supposed to jump when the phone rings?

In response, Baldwin has parted ways with CAA talent agency, the same firm that represents Basinger. But much worse news for Basinger – she’s 53.

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I don’t know if it’s yet a wide-spread insult to call someone a “Birkhead”, but that Larry guy is a huger ass than the Larry from downstairs on “Three’s Company”. Bad enough he risked his unprotected man-parts in the fiery nethers of the gaping porn princess Anna Nicole-Smith, but that he’s now the legal guardian of the world’s most valuable biological object (named Dannielynn for those of you scoring along at home) isn’t just an affront on all that’s right and good, it’s an outright travesty against what few strands of scruples the Hollywood world had been clinging to.

The Bahamas have hosted billions in tax shelters, barrels of pirate rum pennies on the dollar, and now it would seem, a virtual clusterbang of oddly decided legal outcomes. Wednesday’s latest court hearing determined that Larry, the coital donor de la chowder of man and total Birkhead, is now free to take the former fatty playmate’s baby and travel as he may, specifically off to unfounded fame.

Birkhead, who is still a total Birkhead, is required to return to court on June 8th, but is much more excited about how these interim determinations may bear on his ability to garner even a fraction of the baby’s multi-billion dollar inheritance her mother had begun upon death of her husband, oil tycoon Skeletor, who died at the untimely age of 596-years-young.

Virgie Arthur, the woman who proudly raised Anna Nicole-Smith to the obese, drug-addicted porn star she became, still struggles to assume parental custody of the baby, who verily defecates flawless diamonds, whether in court or all over the front pages of tabloids. Regardless of who wins custody, we are sure the baby will grow up to live a happy, healthy life.

And just to be clear, we’re not calling Larry Birkhead a “dick head”, but something much different… we’re calling him a “Birkhead”.

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Of the hundred most beautiful people according to People Magazine, apparently Drew Barrymore is the number one. She’s made the list four times already, but never topped it. Apparently a person can be the most gorgeous person alive one year, even if they don’t make the cut in other years.

Barrymore, the hottest face in Hollywood not dripping in sweat, said that making the cover, “Made my peacock feathers shine in the golden-hour light and extend to the heavens… I just think happiness is what makes you pretty… Happy people are beautiful. They become like a mirror and they reflect that happiness.”

Apparently there is a language in which that random combination of words actually means something, but unfortunately, we only speak English, so we’ll just keep looking at her pretty face and nodding approvingly. Barrymore will appear on the cover this Friday, with Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel and Pizza Hut-Face spokesmodel Jessica Simpson, no relation to Homer.

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